The Loneliest iPad In The World

Let me tell you the tale of the loneliest iPad in the world. As most things do in our household it starts with my wife, the uber tiger mom. She has been adamant that our children not be corrupted by the evil influences of electronic gaming devices. She still curses the day Steve Jobs invented these blasted things.

However it is impossible to hold back a tidal wave on your own. All our children's friends own iPads. All her friends own iPads. Our elementary school is going to start integrating iPads into the curriculum. She could see that she was fighting a losing battle. The final straw was when I upgraded to an iPhone 5 and AT&T offered $100 off any iPad as part of a Black Friday sale. That discount finally got her to consent to getting one. But she did make one cardinal rule that I had to abide by before we could buy it: NO GAMES. No exceptions. Also the iPad will technically be her Christmas present, not the children's. This way she had final say over who used it and what apps can be downloaded. I said sure. Whatever. I was finally getting an iPad!

Fast forward to Christmas morning. The children had already ripped through all the presents until there was only one unopened box left, my wife's. When she finally pulled the wraps off the iPad the kids went wild. They quickly forgot their other presents and wanted to play with the forbidden fruit. As they dived eagerly into the iPad, they were soon met with disappointment. No games. No Angry Bird. No Temple Run. Nothing. Nada. My wife directed them to some Internet based educational programs that they had already been using on the home computer. They quickly lost interest and went back to their new Legos.

My wife also had an ulterior motive to buy an iPad besides making our children learn Internet multiplication tables on the go. She was hoping to use it to watch her Chinese and Korean soap operas without beging stuck in front of the computer. However she discovered that most of these Asian websites use Flash to stream videos. She found out that iPads don't run Flash. Now her only reason for using an iPad no longer exists.

So here we are, a week after Christmas. While iPads are being adored and loved by millions around the globe, ours sits forlornly in the closet. The children have not asked for it despite tiger mom's best efforts to use it as an incentive for behaving properly. She doesn't want it because she can't watch her soaps with it. I have no need for it because I'm not supposed to download the really interesting apps that I want. I already have an Android tablet for my tablet needs. That is how our iPad became the loneliest one in the whole world.

Empathy As A Parent After Sandy Hook

It's been over 24 hours since the horrible, unspeakable murders of 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. The fact that 20 of the victims were innocent first graders has left me and the entire nation in mourning and at a loss. Even now I can't help but well up with emotion with every newspaper article I read and every picture of the children that is presented.

It wasn't always this way. When the Columbine High School rampage happened in 1999, I was still single. I had no children. I felt no connection to the murder victims. Yes it was tragic but I did not feel any empathy or emotions about the incident. It was as if the news was talking about the latest bombings in the Middle East. Sorry it happened but life goes on.

The Aurora, CO movie theater shootings this past summer I wrote off as another one of America's all too frequent mass shootings. (It's terrible to write something like "all too frequent mass shootings".) I didn't get too emotional with that one either. What were all those people doing out at midnight watching a movie? Decent hard working folks don't go out at midnight to watch movies. They especially shouldn't have taken small children to the theater for a movie with multiple scenes of gory killings because they can't find a babysitter at that hour of night. Just a bunch of movie fanatics with poor judgement.

But the Sandy Hook massacre is something else altogether. I feel like I can put myself in those poor parents' shoes. Though I can't fully comprehend the trauma they are going through, and hopefully never will, I still weep with them. Perhaps it's because I have two children in the same age category as the victims, elementary school children who still believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

Ironically one of our kindergarten teachers earlier this year got into trouble for trying to explain to the children this exact scenerio in class. The kids were having a combined earthquake and disaster drill one morning. When one of the kids in my son's class asked the teacher what kind of disaster they are preparing for, the teacher told him they practice the drill in case some gunman walks into the school and starts shooting people.

Some of the students started crying. They told their parents what happened in class. Several of them had nightmares that night. The parents were in an uproar the next day. They cornered the principal and demanded an apology. The principal had to discipline the teacher and write a letter to all the parents to explain why the teacher had gone overboard with the drills.

Now it all seems so sadly prophetic.

"Wreck-It Ralph" Is A Tiger Mom's Worst Nightmare

I just saw the new movie "Wreck-It Ralph" with my two kids. I have to say that we all loved the movie. My son liked the action. My daughter loved the neon-tinted Sugar Rush scenes. I appreciated the nostalgia of the early video game characters brought back to life by the movie.

Afterwards, while I was thinking of all the cultural humor embedded in the film, I realized that my kids will probably never have the same understanding of American humor as I or most children do. Sure they were both born in the U.S. but that doesn't mean they LIVE in the U.S. You see, my wife is doing her hardest to make sure they don't grow up like American children.

She is horrified by how American kids are raised. She absolutely abhors the way children here play video games and watch TV seemingly for hours at a time. She keeps our children busy to make sure they don't have any opportunity to stray from her sure path to success. Kumon is forced upon them every day. If they're not sitting at the kitchen table doing that, they are practicing their piano or playing ping pong. Though we have a Playstation 3 in the house, the children don't even know it exists. They have never been allowed to play a single minute of it for fear their brains might become addled by Sonic the Hedgehog. When I play, I have to do it at night after they have gone to bed. That was the condition I had to agree to before she would allow the machine in the house.

The other main portion of "Wreck-It Ralph" involves scenes that take place in a video game filled with sugary desserts. My daughter loved all the scenes filled with gum drops, doughnuts, candy canes and ice cream. There is one reference to Oreo cookies that got the whole audience laughing. But again, this is all forbidden fruit. As I've mentioned before, my wife HATES American desserts. The children can have as much salty, vinegary food as they want but anything sweet is strictly limited. She blames them for the high rates of obesity and diabetes in Americans. She's partly right. But I feel anything in moderation is okay whereas for this tiger mom sugar is equivalent to poison.

So it saddens me that my kids are so isolated from American culture. Their mother wants them to achieve success in the U.S. but at the same time she wants to shield them from life in the U.S. Granted she's not doing this out of malice. She is reading directly out of the Chinese playbook for becoming a prosperous adult: a single-minded focus on hard work and intense study with little time for slothful pursuits like video games and snacking on unhealthy foods. Though our kids may succeed with this regiment, I think they will have lost some of the pleasures of life in doing so.

Why Are So Many Asian Americans Democrats?

While perusing through my sample California election ballot I couldn't help but notice that every Asian American who is running for office is a Democrat. Maybe it's because I'm living in a state where virtually every elected office is held by a Democrat. The AA's just happen to know who is on the winning side here and declare themselves a liberal to get elected. Is that too cynical? Or are left winged liberals really the political philosphy amongst AA's?

I would think that most Asian Americans would belong on the conservative Republican party. After all, most Asians hold pretty conservative, family oriented, business friendly views of society. We still believe in a nuclear family. Illegitimate births are still frowned upon. We hold strong views about crime. If we had our way, Singapore would be the model the U.S. should emulate when it comes to punishing criminals.

AA's have the highest income of any racial group in America. Many of us are entrepreneurial, owning small businesses. We want less business regulations that will impede our ability to make a good income. And don't even get me started on Asians and their attitudes towards taxes. To state it simply, the less taxes the better. In Asia, avoiding paying taxes is elevated to an art. My father's entire retirement and estate plans revolve around giving as little money to the government as possible.

Yet many AA's identify themselves as Democrats. Perhaps we have become too successful and comfortable in America that now we can focus on societal issues. Yes we are all for a cleaner environment, especially true for Asians who come from the grossly polluted cities in China. Many of us also believe in the right to have an abortion as that is considered a mainstay of birth control over there and people don't have any moral qualms about it. We don't understand why Americans have to have so many guns. Seems like having fewer guns around would make for a more peaceful society.

Is it a generational divide? The younger Asians have been raised so comfortably by their hard working parents that they now have time to indulge in comfortable issues like global warming. Many haven't had to scramble desperately for their next dollar like the past generations have had to do. And since most of the older AA's don't or can't vote while their children and grandchildren do, this will skew the politics of AA's towards liberalism.

Too bad the two party political system in the U.S. forces people to choose the lesser of two evils. I think most Asian Americans are really libertarians. But since people won't vote for a candidate that's unlikely to win, the young AA's vote with their hearts while the older AA's watch in benign amusement at the naivete of their offsprings.

I Hate Chinese Drivers.

Sometimes the stereotypes are true--Chinese people are the worst drivers. As a Chinese-American I've seen many near accidents and rude behavior committed by Chinese drivers through the streets of Southern California, particularly the San Gabriel Valley. It is not uncommon for you to be waiting for a car to pull out of a parking spot while you have your turn signal on to indicate that slot is yours when at the last second a Chinese driver pulls into it. All the horn honking and dirty glares won't do anything. I've seen fistblows right there in the parking lot because of such incidents.

Then there was the time I saw a fire engine, with sirens blazing, come up to a four way intersection. The truck was facing a red light and was slowly inching its way through the intersection. A Chinese driver, facing the green light, decided he had the right of way and drove through, cutting off the fire truck. You should have seen the nasty stares the firemen gave him. But he was on the other side and on his merry way.

Then over Labor Day Weekend, I nearly got into a physical fight with a Chinese driver. We were driving out of the underground parking garage at the 99 Ranch Market in Alhambra. Just as we were almost out, the car in front of me suddenly stops. He gestures for me to back up. I was thinking, did he change his mind and want to go back down into the garage? I motioned for him to go forward as he needed to go out and come back in through the entrance ramp. He honks his horn at me. I honked back.

The Chinese man then gets out of his car and starts yelling at me in Chinese through my car window. I yelled back at him in English. He starts pointing at his car. I'm thinking maybe he was having car trouble. I point to all the cars behind me and that I can't back up. More yelling and pointing continue. Finally he sees the futility of the situation then proceeds down the line and tells everybody to back up, which is not easy since the ramp is curving and very narrow with high walls on both sides.

When we had all backed up a few feet, he gets back into his car. He rolls down the ramp a couple of feet then suddenly, starts his car. He then takes off out of the garage. I was dumbstruck. What the hell was that all about? I thought he was having car problems. I thought he wanted to get back into the garage. Without even an acknowledgement of gratitude, he drives off leaving a line of drivers fuming in the garage. I hate Chinese drivers.

Wondering About White People--Hirsutism

Continuing my random train of thoughts about caucasian folks. I wonder what it's like to be so hairy. White people are probably more hirsute than anybody else on earth. Many black and hispanic populations aren't nearly as hairy as whites. In fact, many are nearly as hairless as Asians. When I say hairless, I don't mean lack of axillary or groin hair which everybody has once they develop puberty. I'm talking about the thick mat of hair white people have on their chests, back, arms, and legs, but who surprisingly also seem to bald quite early and often.

Take a look at this picture of my forearm. No, I didn't shave or wax it. It's au naturel, with not a visible hair on the skin. If you look really closely, like with a magnifying glass, you can see very fine and short strands of hair there but nothing like the thick hair you see on many white people.

What is it like to be living in a house full of hairy people? Are there strands of people hair all over the house like pet hair on the furniture of owners of cats and dogs? My shower drain clogs up pretty easily with hair from my head if I don't put a filter over it. Do white people's drains clog that much faster from all the hair that falls off their bodies when they bathe?

And what is it like to shave your body? I can understand shaving facial hair as I've done that for decades. But to shave your chest and back? Or worse to wax them like the "40 Year Old Virgin"? How do you reach all the different curves and crevices of the body to shave all that surface area. Don't the blades wear down pretty quickly doing that? Since white people seem to grow their facial hair faster than most Asians (I only need to shave my face once every two days while many white people I know have to shave twice a day) doesn't it get tedious to do this all the time? Seems like a pretty laborious task to me.

Isn't it funny how white people spend money to get rid of the hair on their torsos then spend even more money to plant hair on the top of their heads? Why can't they be happy with the hair distribution that God gave them? I don't see too many Asians getting hair transplants. I don't think Asians are nearly that vain. Balding is just a natural part of aging and we understand that and don't try to hide that fact. Except my father who decided to do a combover once he started going bald. That is something no men should ever do. Go proud and go bald. At least we don't ever have to waste money getting a painful wax job on our chests.

Wondering About White People--Visual Fields

I was reading with some bemusement, and annoyance, a recent post in 8Asians. It highlighted what I suppose is a common question among white folks--do Asians have poor peripheral vision, or more specifically vertical peripheral vision. With our smaller eyes, we must not be able to see as much up and down as people with round eyes, right? One ignoramous even had the audacity to ask if Asians see in widescreen, you know, with letterbox blackouts at the top and bottom of our vision.

While I can irrefutably answer that, no, Asians don't see in widescreen, I have to admit I've always wondered about what white people see out of their eyes. With their deep inset eye sockets and prominent supraorbital ridge, do they ever feel like they are peeking out from under a hat all the time? It's a wonder so many white men wear baseball caps since they seem to have a natural sun shade over their eyes everywhere they go. By contrast when I'm out in the sun, I have to squint pretty badly, accentuating my "small" eyes since the sun has easy access to my optic nerves.

The large brow also seems to helpful during exercise or while taking a shower. While my sweat just naturally rolls down my forehead directly onto my eyelids, white people's perspiration seem to dangle off their brows then drip off without ever contacting and irritating their corneas. It's like having a large roof eaves that keep rain from splashing on windows.

Then what about that huge schnoz at the center of the face. I can barely see my own nose without a mirror if I do an extreme cross eye. Then I just barely catch a glimpse of the tip. But what do white people see? With their eyes set way back and a huge protruberence between them, does the nose ever get in the way of their sight? I mean, when driving a car and you pass by another car, does the car disappear from view behind the nose?

Finally, we have all seen sports players rub blackout on their cheeks. I assume that is to reduce glare from the sun as it reflects off their cheekbones and into their eyes. Since most Asians eyes are almost perfectly even with their cheeks, that has never been a problem for me. Of course that also led to relentless taunts of "flatface" in high school. But that is besides the point.

So while white people may have questions about Asians' eyes, we too have many questions about how caucasians can possibly see well out of those deeply embedded eyeballs. I personally would rather have my eyes front and center without anything obstructing their function.

NBC's Eurocentric Coverage Of The Opening Ceremony Makes Me Mad.

I've been sitting in front of the TV for nearly three hours. It is now almost midnight. I'm eagerly awaiting the entrance of the Taiwanese (Chinese Taipei) team into Olympic Stadium. In the meantime I've had to suffer through the seemingly endless list of nations I've never heard of march past my screen. Comoros?

As we wind down the S's, I can see on the convenient little ticker at the bottom of the screen that Taiwan is coming up. I just need to get past Syria and we're there. After the commentators make some useless observations about the civil war in that country, the Taiwanese team starts entering the left side of my TV. Then..we cut to a commercial. What the hell?

Taiwan doesn't have a small team. They are entering 44 athletes at the Olympics. Yet they are not given the live face time awarded much smaller countries like Liechtenstein and Bosnia/Herzegovina. Now that I think about it, I think virtually every Western European country was shown live while most of the countries given snippets of video were non-Western. Some Eastern countries are too big for NBC to ignore. Of course they had to show China and India. With a combined population of over 2 billion people they don't want to piss off a third of the world's population.

Though Taiwan is small country, it is one of the United States' largest trading partners. The little island is so important to us that we actually have a law that mandates our protection of Taiwan from its larger neighbor, even by war if necessary. Yet NBC made us sit through images of the beautiful people from tiny countries like Monaco and Luxembourg while ignoring Taiwan, a small country with a real chance of winning medals in multiple sports, okay badminton and table tennis.

So NBC, since you have a monopoly on airing the Olympics in the U.S., it is your duty to show all the diversity of countries that participate at this illustrious event. Even though most of your directors and cameramen are Caucasian, please give smaller non-Western countries some more screen time. Who knows? You might actually attract more viewers to your expensive programming.

Ted And The Paranoia Of Reading Asian American Blogs

Asian American blogs are great. They are wonderful resources that I wish I had when I was growing up. Being raised in the Midwest, I had no clue about the events affecting AA's around the country. There was a distinct feeling of isolation, as if I was the only person going through this Asian American reality. Now there is a whole universe of websites and blogs posted by other AA's who I can relate to and gain insight into my own experience.

However be careful what you wish for. Blogs like Angry Asian Man publicize the wonderful achievements of AA's but they also frequently write about the ugly side of discrimination in America. Whether the discrimination is overt or intentional, this steady torrent of racist acts against AA's soon started making me paranoid. Did somebody just make a racist remark to me at work? Was I passed up for a promotion because I'm Asian? Did somebody just cut me off on the road because I'm not white? Or are all these feelings just in my head and I'm overthinking situations?

I recently saw the movie Ted. I loved that movie. I hadn't laughed so hard in the theater in a long time. There is a scene in the movie though that made me feel uncomfortable. During the party scene, Flash Gordon punches a hole in the apartment wall clear through to the adjacent apartment. Who is on the other side? An Asian dude holding a live duck. He starts screaming at the partiers in thick Chinglish claiming he was about to cook the duck for dinner. Mayhem ensues. Granted Seth MacFarlane's claim to fame is his offensive humor directed at all races, religions, and sexual orientation. See his TV show "Family Guy" for an example. But during "Ted" I couldn't help but laugh self-consciously and uncomfortably at the chaos on screen. Isn't this a little too racist for the 2010's. Would the audience laugh as hard if they showed a black person getting ready to eat fried chicken?

I used to laugh at Asian characters in other movies that are now considered racist. Remember the infamous Long Duk Dong in "Sixteen Candles"? The play on Asian sounding names as well as his foreignness are clearly there to get cheap laughs from a Western audience. Another famous Asian movie person was the Japanese guy Takashi in "Revenge of the Nerds." Again, his obvious foreign accent and cluelessness about Americans is played for laughs.

Funny I never felt funny about laughing at those characters, along with the audience, at that time. I never realized how racist movie parts can be hurtful. It was not until I watched "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" that I first saw how racist Hollywood could be. Bruce was sitting in the theater with his white girlfriend watching "Breakfast at Tiffany" when one of the most racist movie roles ever put on screen appeared, Mickey Rooney's Mr. Yunioshi. With his pulled back eyelids, buck teeth, and thick accent, this was the equivalent of wearing blackface in its horrible depiction of another race. While the white movegoers laughed, Bruce Lee sat cold silent. His girlfriend was laughing too until she looked over at him and realized how terrible this Mr. Yunioshi made somebody feel about themselves. That's the first time I can remember understanding racism in popular media.

Now with Asian American blogs documenting racism all over the place, I feel like I'm always on the lookout for racism. Is it better that we are now more sensitive about hurting the sensibilities of other races? Yes. Does it make my life better knowing that racism is all around us and otherwise intelligent people still make racist acts, whether intentional or not? No. I just get inflamed over something that sometimes maybe I should just forget instead of allowing it to mentally fester in my head for hours or days afterwards. Can't somebody write happy Asian blogs?

Yellow Peril In Olympic Uniforms

I'm not sure what to make of the current controversy over the U.S. Olympic uniforms. When it was discovered that the uniforms were made in China, even though they were designed by American Ralph Lauren, the political class went into a frenzy. Trying to emphasize their patriotic credentials during an election year, some members have Congress have even called for burning the uniforms instead of allowing our players to wear them in London.

While I too wished that the uniforms were manufactured in America, I can't help feeling there is more than a bit of xenophobia and racism in this debate. This is an increasingly global economy. We wear clothes made in Vietnam and drive cars from Mexico. Our wine comes from Italy and our fruit ships from Argentina. Would the politicians be in such a furious state if the uniforms were designed by Armani and made in Italy? I don't think so. But as Americans increasingly see themselves as being on the decline and China on the ascendency, these racist attitudes are bound to become more common.

The Olympics is supposed to be a world stage where the entire planet comes to compete in a peaceful and friendly atmosphere. Let's not mar the occasion with these racist feelings.

Eastern Vs. Western Ideas Of Sexy

My wife loves her soap operas. No, not the kind you see in the afternoons on network TV. She loves her Asian soap operas, particularly the ones made in South Korea. She raves about their story lines, the wonderful acting, and particularly their beautiful actors. She'll frequently ask me to come over and ask for my opinion about an actor on the show. Did I agree with her that he's the best looking guy ever? Almost always, my answer is no.

For you see, her idea of beauty frequently is different from mine. Having grown up here in the U.S., I guess my interpretation of a sexy man runs more toward Western standards. We've all been brainwashed by American media to idolize men who are tall, beefy, and hairy chested. I think that's why I had such an inferiority complex in high school. My brother and I once discussed what we thought the optimal height should be for a man. He thought a man should stand 6' 2".  I considered 6' 3" to be the perfect height, since, you know, 6' 4" would be too tall. Needless to say, neither of us ever came close to that. Neither did we ever achieve a thatch of chest hair, or even a wisp.

I still had my preconceptions about masculinity even after marrying my beautiful wife. I asked her once if she wouldn't prefer to sleep with somebody who has lots of body hair. Her surprising answer to me was, "Ew". She couldn't understand the attractiveness of a hirsute body. She said it would be like sleeping with an animal. Her definition of a sexy man is somebody who is boyish and androgynous, lithe, with cute hair. In other words, somebody who would be thought of as gay among Western men. That is precisely what I told her, that all her idealized men look homosexual. She thought I was ridiculous.

It really is amazing how the media sears into our brains what the definition of beauty is. My wife, who grew up in China, only knew of the Chinese men she saw on Chinese TV. The infrequent times she saw a Hollywood movie only reinforced the differences, though not because Hollywood actors were more beautiful. Instead she only noticed their hairy bodies, their big noses, and their sweaty skin. Instead she adored the boyish charms of the Asian boy bands and flirtations of her favorite TV stars. By contrast I grew up with what is perceived to be Western beauty, as conceived by white screenwriters, white directors, and white actors. So I was conditioned to accept that as the consummate male sexuality.

Now as my daughter starts getting older and becoming more aware of others' physicality, I'm torn about how I should approach this. Should I inundate her with Asian videos and have her play with mostly Asian friends so that she will recognize her own Eastern beauty? Or should I let her assimilate with her Western friends and hope for the best that she doesn't look down on Asian boys? It is so hard to grow up in the U.S. as a minority.

My Wife Hates Steve Jobs

My wife hates Steve Jobs. It's true. She hates him with a passion. She thinks the creator of the iconic Macintosh and iPad computers is evil reincarnate. Why, you ask? The reason she harbors such hatred toward the man is because he undermines everything she tries to accomplish as a tiger mom.

You see, our kids are obsessed with my iPhone. They ask to play with it every chance they can. I would love for them to have as much fun with it as I do but when she is around, it stays safely in my pocket. Her idea of free time is to play puzzle games or practice the piano. Playing table tennis is as much recreation as they are allowed. And that is because we are paying for very expensive weekly ping pong lessons and she still has dreams of them making the U.S. Olympics team in 2020.

Apple products is the antithesis of this lifestyle. The computers are made specifically to be so easy to operate that even children can play with them with minimal instructions. But of course every minute they are playing "Temple Run" or "Sonic" is a minute taken from piano practice or Kumon. And that is not allowed to happen, ever. If she could flush my iPhone down the toilet she would. I think that is one reason why she still clings so loyally to her Blackberry. It is nearly impossible to play games or watch videos on her phone. Yet it's easy for her to text her friends. So that makes it her perfect phone.

But Steve (RIP) and his family shouldn't take it personally. She hates the person who invented the internet even more. So I guess Al Gore will never make it onto her friends list.

Mercedes Benz, Declasse. Mass Class Has Reduced My Ardor For The Three Pointed Star

I used to love Mercedes Benz cars. I've never owned one but have always aspired to. I remember as a kid looking through my older brother's Car and Driver magazines where they tested seminal Mercedes classics like the 6.9 or the 560SEL, like the one J.R. Ewing used to drive. I thought someday, I'll be cruising around in one of those babies instead of chugging along, blocking the slow lane, like my dad's VW Bus.

Now that I have successfully finished decades of education and training, I can finally say, yes, it is now my time. I can realistically consider getting one of those three pointed starred cars in my very own garage. I have finally made it. But have I? I look around Southern California, and that is all I see--Mercedes hood ornaments and trunk emblems on every block I drive.

M-B has decided that it wanted to rake in more money by going mass class. While owning a Mercedes used to imprint on the owner an image of wealth and exclusivity, it is now priced so low that almost anyone can have one. Driving through the San Gabriel Valley, and in fact most of Southern California, a Mercedes is as common as a boba milk tea. It's on every block, in every parking lot, parked on almost every driveway on every god-forsaken side street. It just doesn't exude affluence anymore.

It's the same feeling my wife has with Louis Vuitton bags. In its attempt to generate more revenue, LV has also become declasse. Virtually anyone can, and do, have one. I've seen many teenagers carry one, as well as nursing assistants, 7-11 clerks, and just about anybody who thinks it makes them look elegant and chic. Unfotunately this ubiquity has really turned off my wife. She now carries Coach bags. If you're going to carry a mass class bag, why not get one for hundreds less than the wannabes who buy LV?

As a matter of fact, if one truly wants to stand out here in SoCal, the best way to gain attention is to drive an American car. Owning one imparts on the owner that he is an individual, not one of the lemmings. Driving an Oldsmobile Cutlass or a Chevy Malibu here is more fashionable than the BMW 3-Series. While shopping for cars, I've seriously looked at exotic cars (for SoCal) like the Ford Taurus or the Buick LaCrosse. Why spend thousands of dollars for an expensive European brand when you will see another one driving past you every day while you're still paying off your sixty month car loan?

Maybe my dad was pretty smart after all. The VW Bus is probably the most coveted, hippy chic, car that one can own today. I should have bought it from him when I had the chance. Now they have something that Mercedes Benz can't touch, a pop culture image that no billion dollar advertising campaign can duplicate. That is the definition of exclusive.

Learning English With A Five Year Old. Life Imitates Art

Reading bedtimes stories is one of my favorite activities as a Dad. It's amazing to watch him learn new words at such a rapid pace. Seems like just yesterday he was still trying to remember his ABC's. Now he can read many of the Dr. Seuss books that he received from his older sister.

While he has mastered many monosyllabic words, he is facing some frustrations with the intricacies of English language. As anybody who has tried to learn English knows, our language is not the easiest one to comprehend, with all sorts of rules of pronunciation that defy all manners of logic. Like the classic "I Love Lucy" clip above, these illogical practices can drive one to tears.

For instance, while reading one of his books tonight, he came across several words that look like they should be pronounced the same, but are in fact, quite different. The words were "here", "there", and "where." All end in "ere" yet each one is supposed to be said in a distinct way. It got to the point where he hesistated before speaking such seemingly innocent looking words. I won't even go into how the word "ere" itself is supposed to be spoken lest it causes the reader to descend to madness.

Another one where he got stumped was "know" and "now." With one change in letter, the two words are suddenly pronounced entiredly unalike. How is this possible? How can one language not have consistent rules for its words? It's probably due to the melting pot nature of American society that we have so many ways of speaking similar words. Every new immigrant brought with him his native language which eventually got incorporated into our language. Unfortunately this also included the pronunciations of the native language as well. So now we have a polyglot of ways to say similar words.

My son can sympathize with Ricky Ricardo's angst. Ricky notes that Spanish is very easy to learn, with the same rules applying to all words. Unfortunately for American English learners, we don't have the luxury of such a pure uncontaminated language. Ours has been stirred through the melting pot of our wider culture. It is now a test of endurance and brain power to correctly decipher our English. This is a great way to make sure only smart people can migrate to the U.S. and become productive citizens.

Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice, Unless You're Chinese

Chinese Style Cake

Today is my son's birthday. Naturally there will be a party, red envelopes, and a big ole birthday cake. Good times is expected by all. Except the planning and preparation can get a little dicey. You see, my wife is very old school. She prefers the Chinese style cakes that are sold in the local Chinese bakeries. I, on the other hand, much prefer Western style birthday cakes with thick gooey layers of buttercream frosting and cake so moist they cling to your lips and cheeks when you bite into them.

I definitely don't understand the appeal of Chinese cakes. To me they are really unappetizing. The cakes are extremely dry and tasteless. The frosting is just as plain. They taste like whipped cream that somebody forgot to add the sugar. The only flavor in a typical Chinese style cake is derived from the fruit that typically serves as a topping. For my wife, even that is too sweet and she typically scrapes off the frosting and only eat the fruit and the cake. For me and the children, the frosting is just about the only thing we'll eat. We usually leave the cake behind.

She on the other hand find Western birthday cakes sweet to the point of gag-inducing. She can't understand how anybody can eat that much sugar in a single bite. Having been in the U.S. much longer than her, and having come over when I was much younger, when my taste preferences were still developing, I got used to Western cakes, the kinds you find in supermarkets and Costco. My kids are the same way. They would rather have Western style desserts like cakes, cookies, and ice cream than typical Chinese desserts like red bean soup and hot tapioca soup.

For awhile, these arguments over what type of cake to buy for a birthday party got quite heated. I usually let her get what she wants because it was usually she who was in charge of the party. But after awhile, should could see that most of the cake was wasted. The children usually took one bite of the cake and discarded the rest. So that got her realizing that it was just a waste of money to buy Chinese cakes for American children, no matter how much she adored them. Now she will buy a cake from Costco, but only the smallest one she can find. Because it is still horrible for children to eat that much sugar.

Filipino Nurses. Not American Enough To Represent The Face Of Our Hospital

Filipino nurses have been in the news recently, and not in a good way, thanks to the remarks of Washington, D.C. former mayor and current Council member Marion Barry. The convicted cocaine abuser remarked, "In fact, it's so bad, that if you go to the hospital now, you find a number of immigrants who are nurses, particularly from the Philippines. And no offense, but let's grow our own teachers, let's grow our own nurses -- and so that we don't have to be scrounging around in our community clinics and other kinds of places -- having to hire people from somewhere else."

We can all agree that it was a very ignorant and racist thing for an elected official to say. Even the other members of the City Council and fellow Democrats have called on Barry to apologize. But is his overt racism any worse than the racism that was recently displayed at our hospital?

Like many hospitals in this country, many, if not most, of our nurses are of Filipino nationality. They are hard working, friendly, and competent nurses. Many have worked here for decades. Recently, the hospital decided to do some promotional advertising and needed a picture of a nurse that worked on our unit. Despite the dozens of Filipino nurses on the ward that day, they got the only white male nurse to do the modeling work. Hmmm.

We all like this nurse. He is a good hardworking nurse that everybody likes to work with. Unfortunately he has only been on our unit for little over a month. Yet they chose him over many nurses that have been working here for years to represent the hospital. This got many of the nurses silently seething with rage and indignation. I also have to mention that the new nursing manager in this ward is also a tall, skinny, extremely pale-faced blonde. It did not take long for people to connect the dots.

So even in 21st century America, workplace discrimination continues. They may not be in a form as overt as Marion Barry, but make no mistake. For some people not matter how many years we have lived in this country, we will never be considered "American". We will always represent the foreigner, the hyphenated American who can never be a true American.

Secret To Getting Into Stanford Is...Ping Pong?

My daughter is just finishing up second grade. But that doesn't mean it's too early to start thinking about which private university she should go to after high school graduation. My wife is all too aware of how difficult it can be for Asian Americans to get into the elite colleges. We've all read the horror stories of Asian kids with nearly perfect SAT scores, high school GPA of 5.0, and president of their chess club and are still denied admission to Harvard or Stanford. Therefore now is the perfect time to start preparing our child to get into college.

The success of Jeremy Lin has changed my wife's thinking about the potential of athletics in advancing our child's academic career. Before Linsanity, sports was considered a black or white man's game, a back door way for somebody to get into an Ivy League without having to put of Ivy League academic numbers. Now she sees that sports can be a differential. My daughter can stand out from all the other Asian nerds trying to get into the same schools by excelling at a sport.

She considered many sports possibilities. Baseball? Too boring. Basketball? Too short. Soccer? Too slow. Then she settled on her personal love--table tennis. My daughter will excel at ping pong, making her stand out from all the other boring Asian geeks. When she presented her idea to me, I was skeptical. "Uh, I don't think the NCAA even recognizes ping pong as an official collegiate sport. I think you have to choose a sport that colleges care enough about to compete with other colleges and provide national exposure for their campus."

Pish posh, was my wife's reply, or something like that but in Chinese. To prove her point, she drove us to a table tennis academy in the San Gabriel Valley that specializes in training youth ping pong. She started talking to some of the parents there. My wife is not into subtlety. She pointedly asked another parent if they think their child's incredible table tennis skills will get him into a good college. Of course, was the reply. Who wouldn't want to recruit my child when he starts competing for the national team to represent America in the Olympics in 2020? After all, table tennis is an official Olympic event.

My wife looked at me with a wide grin. That settled it. Our seven year old daughter will start rigorous ping pong training to get her ready for admission into Stanford. In a few years, when she is ready for the national trials for female table tennis players, she will be ranked number one and Stanford can't possibly refuse her. This is a foolproof plan. Once she's in then she can drop all ideations about having a sports career and start concentrating on getting into medical school.

Do White People Have Ugly Feet?

That's the only conclusion I can think of when I wonder why white people wear their shoes all the time. Are they ashamed of their feet? Why else would you wear your shoes inside the house after you've stepped through all the detritus that is the great outdoors?

I, and almost all Chinese, have learned to take our shoes off when we enter a house from practically the day we learned to walk. It is considered extremely impolite, and unclean, to wear shoes indoors. Once inside, most of us also take off our socks and just wear slippers under our feet. I always thought that it was a good idea to remove my socks at the earliest possible moment so I can air out my feet and prevent athlete's foot and other infections. I can't wait every afternoon to come home from work and strip my socks off so my feet can dry out and get rid of that clammy feeling between the toes.

Yet white people, who presumably prefer athletic persuits and outdoor activities don't follow the same etiquette. They wear their shoes until they are ready to hop into bed. Even if they do take their shoes off at the front foyer, they most likely leave their socks on, as if they're ashamed of anybody looking at their toes. Do they really prefer people to smell their dingy greying socks instead of look at their feet? Perhaps they're trying to keep the multibillion dollar indoor floor cleaning products business from bankruptcy? Would they rather spend hundreds of dollars on powerful Dyson cyclonic vacuum cleaners to clean up the dirty footprints on their carpets instead of wearing cheap clean indoor slippers?

Think of all the money that can be saved if people didn't wear their shoes all the time. There would be less need to buy Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters shoe inserts. Carpets won't have to be replaced nearly so often. And closets won't stink nearly as bad with all the moist and disgusting shoes and socks that are thrown into them at the end of the day. 

So please pass the word to your white and ABC friends. Please take your shoes and socks off when you get inside. It'll make your indoor environments more pleasant, improve the health of your feet, and save you money too. Who can argue with that?

Chink In The Facade Of American Tolerance

The recent uproar over ESPN's use of the term "chink in the armor" to describe Jeremy Lin didn't suprise me all that much. Sure it is derogatory to the Asian population. But I think most Americans don't realize how hurtful it is. By comparison, through education and shame, everybody knows that using the N word to describe African Americans has been permanently banned from public usage. I too had a relatively recent run in with a Caucasian using the term "chink" to describe an Asian feature and this didn't bother him in the slightest.

I was a medical resident working in the labor and delivery ward at a local hospital. I was in a delivery room shortly after the birth of a baby from an Asian wife and Caucasian husband. There was much joy and celebration in the room at the new life that had just been brought into the world. One of the first things the husband asked the nurse, after the baby had been cleaned up and handed to him, was, "Does he have chinky eyes?" He could clearly see that I was an Asian standing in the room with him. The nurse, who was white, replied, "No, he doesn't look chinky at all."

I was too shocked to say anything. I was not prepared for this slap in the face while working in a professional setting. I hadn't heard anybody use such a crude term since high school. I felt like I should have stood up and corrected the people in the room but it seemed like an inappropriate time to give somebody a lecture on racial tolerance while they are celebrating the birth of a baby. I did mention the incident to my superiors, who were white. They too expressed dismay that something like that happened, especially with a nurse who has worked with them for years. But nothing came of it. No apology. No expressions of guilt or remorse. And that was that.

So while Americans in general are becoming more aware of the sensibilities of living in a multicultural society, ignorance and malevolent feelings are lurking just below the surface. Who knows what they are saying in the company of their own kind. While the N word, and now the C word, have been banned from public discourse, that doesn't mean they don't express those thoughts when they think nobody is paying attention.

Jeremy Lin, Inspiration for Chinese Parents Everywhere

The biggest news among the Chinese-American community this week is the incredible story of Jeremy Lin. If any of you readers have been hiding under a rock lately, Jeremy is the sensational new point guard playing for the New York Knicks. In his first three games starting last week, he has scored over twenty points per game and his team has won every game he's played in. Even when he is playing away from NYC the fans have all come out to support him.

Jeremy's story is even more amazing because he was cut by two other teams prior to landing at the Knicks. He was first picked up by the Golden State Warriors after graduating from Harvard (HARVARD!). He didn't get much playing time before he was let go and the Houston Rockets hired him. He spent even less time in Houston, just a few weeks, before he was transferred to New York. But thanks to some injuries to their starting players, Jeremy finally had a chance to show the world what he can do. YouTube is full of videos of the great plays he's made in the past week, inspiring the other Knicks players to up their games and leading to three straight victories.

The ability for Jeremy to succeed is even more special because it is occurring in the setting of team sports. Unlike Michael Chang, the Chinese-American who won the French Open in 1989, Jeremy has to be able to play with, and lead, other players who may have at first looked down on him, almost literally, as some Asian filler for the real players. He had to come out explosively to earn their respect. And earn it he has.

His background is so similar to mine. His father is Taiwanese who married a Chinese wife. I too am Taiwanese who married a Chinese. And it is our sincere hope that someday our children will be able to attend an Ivy League college and compete in any endeavor they wish, not just the stereotypical Chinese pursuits like violin or computer engineering. Just to be able to point to our kids that Chinese-Americans aren't all just nerds who can only excel at math and sciences but that we can compete with any American at the highest levels of professional sports practically brings tears to my eyes. I still remember all the times in junior high and high school when I was always the last one chosen to play on a team. It wasn't hard to think that being Asian was a main reason for being rejected as a teammate. Hopefully Asian children won't have to face this humiliation much longer. Here's hoping Jeremy can continue to play once the Knick's regular starters return.

What Rhymes With Bucket?

My preschooler son is busy learning new words. In my eyes he has an astonishing capacity to acquire new information. One game we like to play is finding words that rhyme. This is a very quick and efficient method for him to expand his vocabulary. Some words are easy and have lots of rhyming words. I'll ask him what rhymes with "car". He'll then go down the alphabet and gives me all the words that sound like car like bar, far, jar, mar, star, tar, etc.. If a word doesn't sound familiar he'll ask what it means. Most of the time I'll tell him there is no such word as "yar" but sometimes he'll learn a new word with this process.

The other day my wife and I were reading a story to him and came across the word "bucket". Out of habit I asked him what rhymes with bucket. He then proceeded down the alphabet: cucket, ducket... fucket. I gasped a little bit and looked at my wife. She looked back and quickly shook her head. Don't make a big fuss about it was her silent reply.

Children take a gleeful delight in doing things that upset their parents. When we tell our son not to jump on the sofa, he of course will find every opportunity to jump on the sofa. If we ask him not to bother his sister while she's doing her homework, he'll become inseparable from her workspace. So if we ask him not to say the word fucket, he would wind up repeating the word often enough to get expelled from his preschool. So now I've learned my lesson. No more word games with words that rhyme with bucket, or buck, or hit, or ham. Complicated, raising children is.

Noodlevore

My daughter is learning all about animals in her elementary school. She's reading about the differences between mammals, reptiles, amphibians, insects, etc.  She's also learning the difference between carnivores and herbivores. We play a little game to help her understand the different classifications. I'd give her an animal and she tells me the diet of the animal. Lion? Carnivore. Elephant? Herbivore. Rhinoceros? Herbivore. When I asked her which one she is, she thought for a minute and replied gleefully, "Noodlevore!"

I laughed out loud at that one. Then I thought for a minute and realized she is pretty much on the mark. As Chinese, we eat noodles all the time. We eat it at any time of day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, noodles are good at all hours. Like the scene in Forrest Gump where his friend Bubba lists off the ways to cook shrimp, noodles can be prepared in every imaginable way. You can have it hot or cold. It can be boiled, steamed, stewed, chilled, deep fried, or stir fried. You can have a choice of vegetarian preparation or meat lovers. It can be an appetizer, an entree, and even a dessert. Spicy, salty, sweet, tangy, or bitter, noodles can be enjoyed in every which way. They like it as noodle soup, stir fried noodles, cold boiled noodles, spaghetti with meatballs, or macaroni and cheese. It's all good. They enjoy eating noodles by far over rice.

Contrary to what many Westerners believe, noodles and pasta were invented in China, not Italy. The Chinese have had thousands of years to learn to make noodle based dishes. Walk down any street in Asia and there is bound to be a little noodle stand set up on the sidewalk surrounded by hungry customers slurping down bowls of piping hot noodles. It is ubiquitous.

When my wife is not up to preparing breakfast for the children, the easy way out is to boil some water and drop in a couple of packets of instant ramen noodles. It is never refused by the kids, unlike oatmeal or cold cereal. If even that is too much work, she'll boil small handfuls of Asian angel hair pasta or udon, cool them with a quick rinse of cold water, and pour some ponzu sauce on it. The kids will eat that too though I find it rather bland and one dimensional.

If we're out at a restaurant, whether Western or Asian, there is bound to be pasta on the menu. While they may turn their nose up at salads or stir fried eggplants, a couple of orders of spaghetti or noodle soup will keep the peace at the table.

Do I worry that they are becoming too much of a noodlevore? I've read all the health concerns about eating too much refined wheat products. This could potentially lead to obesity and diabetes in the future. Perhaps but for now I'm just glad there is something they will consistently eat without us parents tearing our hair out trying to figure out what will satisfy them. Besides, if the Chinese have been eating it for thousands of years and there are almost one and half billion of us it can't be that bad.

Racial Networking. Racist Or Natural?

I've seen this time and time again but it never fails to astonish me and fill me with twinges of envy. Two white people meet at work. They may have never seen each other before and are only just learning each other's names. They give a hearty handshake to each other. Then they start talking the talk white people do with each other: sports, work grievences, politics, Mad Men... Before you know it, usually within thirty minutes, they are exchanging business cards and contact numbers for how to get into the local country club or the new hip restaurant downtown.

Why don't these kinds of conversations ever happen with me? How come I don't ever get the secret cell phone number of the sous chef at that restaurant that has a three month waiting list for a table? I've been here at work as long as anybody else yet I rarely get these networking advantages that white people so easily come across. Is this another form of discrimination or does networking only work with people of one's own race?

I try not to blame my Caucasian colleagues for this seeming slight. After all, I too find it much easier to talk to Asian, and specifically Chinese, counterparts than to people of other races. Before you know it, I'm inviting them to my house for dinner or trading tips on the best place to buy Asian pears. I admit that I have never given the same to a non Asian. Networking outside the race is difficult. I truly believe that if it wasn't for federal laws, people would naturally segregate themselves into their own ethnic groups. Look at the different neighborhoods in your town. Since the civil rights battles of the 1960's, there are no more laws barring one race from living next door to another. Yet people still prefer to live close to their own kind: Chinese in coastal urbal cities, Hispanics in the Southwest, Blacks, in the Southeast, and Whites in Vermont.

Does this lack of cross cultural networking hurt minorities. In a word, yes. This is something that will be very difficult for state and federal laws to correct without the use of workplace quotas. To promote minorities just because there aren't enough of them in managerial jobs only promotes resentment and worsens racism. Since relationships are so important for advancements in a job, this gives whites a natural advantage at work since most of their bosses are white. The bosses feel more comfortable conversing with their white juniors, making it easier for them to promote them into higher positions. In the meantime other races are left to stay mired in lower ranking jobs with their concommitant lower pay. It's not a glass ceiling per se as much as a relationship ceiling. It takes acts of extraordinary achievements or leaps of faith for minorities to advance to higher positions.

Can these barriers be overcome? Yes, and I've seen colleagues of every race do it. But one has to become extremely westernized, in other words white, to do it. For second and third generation Asians this becomes much easier. They can discuss the latest grilling tips for hot dogs and burgers as well as any white man. They can regurgitate all the greatest lines from Napoleon Dynamite as well as any college slacker. In other words, these Asians have become white. That's when their white bosses can see past their physical appearances and accept them into the coveted board rooms of America. It may never happen to me, but perhaps in another two to three generations, it won't be so difficult for an Asian to be handed the secret number to reserve the VIP suite at the Viper Room.

Don't Touch Me. I'm Asian.

Americans, and Westerners in general, love to touch each other, even if they're total strangers. There are the pats on the backs, or the rumps if you're an athlete, the rubbing of the shoulders, the frau frau pecks on the cheeks if you're trying to act European, or the ubiquitous handshake. You never see Asians doing any of that touchy feely thing. Asian acknowledge each other with a simple bow or nod of the head. There is never any physical contact, especially if it's from different ranks in the social hierarchy.

Even though I'm a 1 1/2 generation immigrant and have lived in the U.S. most of my life, I have never gotten used to the handshake as a social greeting. It just never comes naturally to me. While most boys learn the social ettiquette of manhood from their fathers, my father was never that westernized. He was not a handshaker. When I graduated from high school and college, I never received a handshake from him or any other member of the family. It's not that they weren't proud of my achievements. Asians just don't do that kind of thing.

To this day at work, I have to consciously remind myself to extend my hand when I meet a colleague. More often than not I'll just give a simple nod or verbally greet another person rather than put my hand out. I've also never learned when it's not necessary to offer a handshake. Intial meeting, yes. But how about saying farewell? Sometimes I offer a handshake when saying goodbye and the other person doesn't appear to be expecting it, leaving my hand out there hanging. Awkward! Did I just commit a social faux pas or was I just being too formal when a simple "see you later" would have sufficed? Also is one supposed to shake hands with women? Or are we expected to give the phony pecks on the cheeks like I see so many Westerners do? That's another rule that my dad never clarified as I've never seen him peck anybody's cheeks, ever.

These social norms seem to come so easily for Westerners. They greet each other with firm pumps of their hands, almost without thought. They start talking about work, sports, girls, or whatever without the slightest effort to continue a conversation. Then they seem to know just the right way to say goodbye, either with a handshake or a quick "goodbye" or an "I'll call you later". All this is done with the greatest of ease. In the meantime I struggle to set just the right tone without sounding forced.

Why don't Asians offer handshakes or in general have any sort of physical contact when meeting friends and colleagues? Just pure speculation on my part, but probably through centuries of experience we've learned that people really aren't that clean. You don't know what the person was doing with his hands recently. He may have just gone to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. He may have been picking spinach from his teeth with his fingers. He may have some sort of contagious skin condition that would get transmitted to me if I touched him. The person may have lice in his hair which could jump to me if I had to stand close to him by necessity to give a handshake. There are all sorts of reasons for not touching another person who is not your intimate. But living in the U.S. requires that we Asians get past these social barriers and accept a handshake or a slap on the back as an acceptable form of salutation. I just hope that person has Purelled his hand before he offers it to me.

Chinese People And Food Allergies

I recently read a story in the newspaper about the tragic death of a little girl in Virginia because of her peanut allergy. The seven year old was given a peanut by a friend at school. She immediately went into cardiac arrest and was unable to be revived by the paramedics. Some reports state that about four percent of Americans, or over 12 million people, have severe anaphylactic reactions to specific foods. I've seen people who are allergic to nearly every food group known. The most common ones I've seen are peanuts and shellfish. But I've also known people who are allergic to milk, eggs, strawberries, watermelons, wheat, nuts, tomatoes, chocolates, and many other kinds of foods. Our school has very strict policies on what kinds of food can be brought for lunch. While peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were common snacks at school when I was growing up, it is strictly forbidden in our children's schools. Organizing birthday parties can be a minefield as parents bring lists of foods their children aren't allowed to eat. Cake? Does it have eggs? Is it gluten free? Ice cream? Can you have frozen yogurt instead? Cookies? Gluten free and chocolate free please.

Why are so many Americans allergic to foods? By contrast, why do so few Chinese people I know have food allergies, or allergies in general? I'm not talking about lactose intolerance, which is fairly common with Asians and doesn't cause anaphylaxis but instead produces abdominal cramps and gas in the affected. Most Chinese people can and will eat almost anything. Many foods are cooked in peanut oil. Peanuts are a favorite snack any time of day. I can't imagine a Chinese family who could get by without consuming eggs. Wheat products are ubiquitous, in everything from dim sum to Chinese bao. One time, my brother came back from school and announced to my mom that he was allergic to MSG. She summarily dismissed him by saying that was crazy talk. He'd been eating MSG all his life and it is ridiculous that he is now allergic to the quintissential Chinese seasoning. He never mentioned it again and she never cut back on her use of the substance.

I always wondered if Americans suffer so many food allergies because we have so many foods to choose from. I can't imagine some poor rural Chinese or African who are just on the verge of malnutrition turning down bread or peanuts because they have anaphyactic reactions to them. Are food allergies mainly a disease of the wealthy, like obesity and coronary artery disease? Since most Chinese in the U.S. are first or one and half generation, we are not yet affected as much by food allergies. But I've noticed that some second generation Chinese children are now afflicted with this condition. Will Chinese restaurants in the future have to offer wheat free and gluten free shau mai? Will all those seafood restaurants in the San Gabriel Valley have to stock up on EpiPens because their customers are having more allergies to shrimp and crab? Only time will tell.

Sitting At The Children's Table

When you're a Chinese-American with little Chinese literacy, social gatherings among Chinese people can be awkward. My wife recently held a party for members of her Chinese church. Not suprisingly nearly all the gathered spoke Mandarin, with many of the elderly non English speaking. I didn't mind because these parties are usually quite pleasant and I get to try a large variety of dishes that the guests bring. Yummy. (Thanks to the guest who brought the spaghetti with spicy mala sauce. So delicious!)

Unfortunately because I was the only adult who can't speak Chinese, it was difficult to join a conversation. The guests who knew English would have to translate the conversation for me. Then I would rejoin with a witty remark which then had to be retranslated into Mandarin. Inconvenient to say the least. Therefore, as the only non Mandarin speaking adult, I was delegated to the children's table as the unofficial babysitter.

This arrangement did not embarrass me and was actually more practical once you think about it. All the kids spoke English. Therefore they couldn't try to sneak some forbidden English phrases into their talk and get away with it. It also made the adult side of the party more relaxed. The guests didn't have to feel like there's a stranger in the room and try to accommodate me by trying to have me understand the proceedings.

When the party ended, at least I knew enough Mandarin to properly bade farewell to our guests: Zai Jian!

The Chinese Line

The Chinese line

Here's news for Apple. There is no such thing as a Chinese line. Much to Apple's dismay and embarrassment, they had to stop sales of the iPhone 4S today in China's Apple stores because of a near riot at one of their Beijing stores. The new for China iPhone was supposed to go on sale yesterday starting at a rumored 7:00 AM. Well, the crowd grew to enormous proportions while waiting for the opening. As you can see from the picture, there doesn't seem to be any signs of orderly line formation or crowd control. When the store failed to open and the phone was declared not ready for sale, the mob grew unruly and threw eggs at their pristine windows.

This episode highlights two truths about Chinese people. One, they don't, or won't, wait in lines. At store openings, movie box offices, or elevators, the Chinese think nothing of pushing and elbowing their way to the front. If one person starts moving forward, the whole group surges forward too, not wanting to miss out on whatever the first person is after. The second truth about Chinese people are that they LOVE status symbols. The proof is all the fake Western goods they sell in their markets. Fake Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren, and yes iPhones adorn every market. Even their government officials are not immune from showing off. Witness all the fancy European cars their leaders are seen riding around in. Here in the U.S. in Chinese predominant areas like Monterey Park, you can spot scores of Mercedes and BMW's parked in front of rather small and shabby houses. Why? Because one can show off their nice rides around town but not everybody knows the conditions you actually live in.

Unless a Chinese person has learned Western, and particularly British, etiquette, standing in line just is not in their DNA. The Cantonese in Hong Kong know how to do it. The Cantonese on the mainland don't. So unless Apple wants to give lessons on how to be a good citizen, I'd advise them not to advertise when their phones go on the market. They should not expect to see happy friendly people waiting patiently at the front door.

Shame Of Being Monolingual

One of the burdens of being a Chinese-American is that everybody you meet expects you to speak Chinese. Relatives at family parties, friends of friends, total strangers all assume you speak an Asian language just by your face. My wife has to constantly remind acquaintances at parties that I don't speak Mandarin, which always leads to a quizzical look, an embarrassed laugh, and the inevitable question, "Why not?" There have been countless times where I've walked into a store or restaurant and the greeter starts speaking to me in a foreign tongue. The sense of inadequacy is much more acute when I go to Asia. When a Caucasian or other non-Asian goes to China, naturally nobody expects him to speak Chinese. But when I go there on vacation, the waiters and store clerks start conversing to me in their native tongue, which is not native to me. When I look at them blankly, they instantly assume I'm retarded or hard of hearing. When I try to pretend I understood what they just said and simply nod, the acute humiliation this entails for answering incorrectly just makes the situation worse.

Why don't I speak Chinese even though I'm Chinese-American? Why should I? I live in the United States of America. I'm definitely more American than Chinese. My parents moved here when I was just a toddler. They didn't speak Mandarin at home so I promptly forgot all the pre-K Mandarin I knew. Things weren't so bad while growing up in the Midwest as hardly anybody there were Asian. But once I went to college and then moved to the cosmopolitan Southern California, suddenly the inability to speak what by all appearances should be my second language became an embarrassing liability.

I attempted to relearn the language. I even took two years of Mandarin in college. However those lessons just didn't stick. I can now speak Jin tian hen hou, but anything more complicated than that leaves me stumped. Frankly, despite the dishonor to the race, I don't really understand why I should know the Chinese language. Sure it will come in handy someday when China dominates the world and we are all working for some Chinese mega-corporation, but in the meantime I am still living in a Western country. Isn't it kind of racist to expect all Asians to speak a native Asian language? After all, when I see a white person, I don't expect him to speak German or Italian or Irish. I would be shocked if I met an African-American and he knew Kenyan. So why should I feel such discomfiture for not being able to speak Mandarin?

In the meantime, we are determined not to allow our children to suffer the same embarrassment that I've lived through. We take them to Chinese school every week, which they hate. They take summer vacations in China every year, which they love. Now their mastery of Mandarin far surpasses mine. So now I also have to suffer the indignity of them talking about me behind my back to their mother while I'm standing in the same room because they know I don't understand a single word they're saying. Oh the shame.

Christmas With A Tiger Mom

When I was growing up, Christmas morning was a moment of pure joy and happiness. Nobody ever forgets the anticipation of waking up in the morning and finding piles of presents under the Christmas tree, waiting to be opened, okay shredded, and played with for the next few hours.

However, I am now an adult with a wife who never grew up with that tradition. In China, they don't allow the open practice of religion. And even when they did, it was usually Buddhism, not Christianity. Plus back then they were pretty poor so the idea of having Christmas presents was pretty alien.

That partly explains the conflict we had Christmas morning. The children got up earlier than usual, ready to tear into the stacks of presents. My wife, however, had other plans. She told our daughter that before she can open any presents, she first had to finish her Kumon homework from the night before. Of course if she can't open her presents, her little brother can't start opening his either. I intervened and told her that was ridiculous. This IS Christmas! How can she think about doing homework on this day.

She thought about it for a minute then relented. But before they could proceed, she wanted them to get dressed in their best clothes so that she can take videos of them while they unwrap the presents. The children looked at me glumly. They were ready to open presents NOW. Again, I told her that all these rules were taking the fun and spontaneity out of Christmas morning. Then without her consent, I told the kids Go and they tore through their presents. Needless to say this set up quite a row the rest of the day between me and my wife. That is what Christmas morning is like with a Tiger Mom.