Don't Touch Me. I'm Asian.

Americans, and Westerners in general, love to touch each other, even if they're total strangers. There are the pats on the backs, or the rumps if you're an athlete, the rubbing of the shoulders, the frau frau pecks on the cheeks if you're trying to act European, or the ubiquitous handshake. You never see Asians doing any of that touchy feely thing. Asian acknowledge each other with a simple bow or nod of the head. There is never any physical contact, especially if it's from different ranks in the social hierarchy.

Even though I'm a 1 1/2 generation immigrant and have lived in the U.S. most of my life, I have never gotten used to the handshake as a social greeting. It just never comes naturally to me. While most boys learn the social ettiquette of manhood from their fathers, my father was never that westernized. He was not a handshaker. When I graduated from high school and college, I never received a handshake from him or any other member of the family. It's not that they weren't proud of my achievements. Asians just don't do that kind of thing.

To this day at work, I have to consciously remind myself to extend my hand when I meet a colleague. More often than not I'll just give a simple nod or verbally greet another person rather than put my hand out. I've also never learned when it's not necessary to offer a handshake. Intial meeting, yes. But how about saying farewell? Sometimes I offer a handshake when saying goodbye and the other person doesn't appear to be expecting it, leaving my hand out there hanging. Awkward! Did I just commit a social faux pas or was I just being too formal when a simple "see you later" would have sufficed? Also is one supposed to shake hands with women? Or are we expected to give the phony pecks on the cheeks like I see so many Westerners do? That's another rule that my dad never clarified as I've never seen him peck anybody's cheeks, ever.

These social norms seem to come so easily for Westerners. They greet each other with firm pumps of their hands, almost without thought. They start talking about work, sports, girls, or whatever without the slightest effort to continue a conversation. Then they seem to know just the right way to say goodbye, either with a handshake or a quick "goodbye" or an "I'll call you later". All this is done with the greatest of ease. In the meantime I struggle to set just the right tone without sounding forced.

Why don't Asians offer handshakes or in general have any sort of physical contact when meeting friends and colleagues? Just pure speculation on my part, but probably through centuries of experience we've learned that people really aren't that clean. You don't know what the person was doing with his hands recently. He may have just gone to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. He may have been picking spinach from his teeth with his fingers. He may have some sort of contagious skin condition that would get transmitted to me if I touched him. The person may have lice in his hair which could jump to me if I had to stand close to him by necessity to give a handshake. There are all sorts of reasons for not touching another person who is not your intimate. But living in the U.S. requires that we Asians get past these social barriers and accept a handshake or a slap on the back as an acceptable form of salutation. I just hope that person has Purelled his hand before he offers it to me.