Racial Networking. Racist Or Natural?

I've seen this time and time again but it never fails to astonish me and fill me with twinges of envy. Two white people meet at work. They may have never seen each other before and are only just learning each other's names. They give a hearty handshake to each other. Then they start talking the talk white people do with each other: sports, work grievences, politics, Mad Men... Before you know it, usually within thirty minutes, they are exchanging business cards and contact numbers for how to get into the local country club or the new hip restaurant downtown.

Why don't these kinds of conversations ever happen with me? How come I don't ever get the secret cell phone number of the sous chef at that restaurant that has a three month waiting list for a table? I've been here at work as long as anybody else yet I rarely get these networking advantages that white people so easily come across. Is this another form of discrimination or does networking only work with people of one's own race?

I try not to blame my Caucasian colleagues for this seeming slight. After all, I too find it much easier to talk to Asian, and specifically Chinese, counterparts than to people of other races. Before you know it, I'm inviting them to my house for dinner or trading tips on the best place to buy Asian pears. I admit that I have never given the same to a non Asian. Networking outside the race is difficult. I truly believe that if it wasn't for federal laws, people would naturally segregate themselves into their own ethnic groups. Look at the different neighborhoods in your town. Since the civil rights battles of the 1960's, there are no more laws barring one race from living next door to another. Yet people still prefer to live close to their own kind: Chinese in coastal urbal cities, Hispanics in the Southwest, Blacks, in the Southeast, and Whites in Vermont.

Does this lack of cross cultural networking hurt minorities. In a word, yes. This is something that will be very difficult for state and federal laws to correct without the use of workplace quotas. To promote minorities just because there aren't enough of them in managerial jobs only promotes resentment and worsens racism. Since relationships are so important for advancements in a job, this gives whites a natural advantage at work since most of their bosses are white. The bosses feel more comfortable conversing with their white juniors, making it easier for them to promote them into higher positions. In the meantime other races are left to stay mired in lower ranking jobs with their concommitant lower pay. It's not a glass ceiling per se as much as a relationship ceiling. It takes acts of extraordinary achievements or leaps of faith for minorities to advance to higher positions.

Can these barriers be overcome? Yes, and I've seen colleagues of every race do it. But one has to become extremely westernized, in other words white, to do it. For second and third generation Asians this becomes much easier. They can discuss the latest grilling tips for hot dogs and burgers as well as any white man. They can regurgitate all the greatest lines from Napoleon Dynamite as well as any college slacker. In other words, these Asians have become white. That's when their white bosses can see past their physical appearances and accept them into the coveted board rooms of America. It may never happen to me, but perhaps in another two to three generations, it won't be so difficult for an Asian to be handed the secret number to reserve the VIP suite at the Viper Room.

Don't Touch Me. I'm Asian.

Americans, and Westerners in general, love to touch each other, even if they're total strangers. There are the pats on the backs, or the rumps if you're an athlete, the rubbing of the shoulders, the frau frau pecks on the cheeks if you're trying to act European, or the ubiquitous handshake. You never see Asians doing any of that touchy feely thing. Asian acknowledge each other with a simple bow or nod of the head. There is never any physical contact, especially if it's from different ranks in the social hierarchy.

Even though I'm a 1 1/2 generation immigrant and have lived in the U.S. most of my life, I have never gotten used to the handshake as a social greeting. It just never comes naturally to me. While most boys learn the social ettiquette of manhood from their fathers, my father was never that westernized. He was not a handshaker. When I graduated from high school and college, I never received a handshake from him or any other member of the family. It's not that they weren't proud of my achievements. Asians just don't do that kind of thing.

To this day at work, I have to consciously remind myself to extend my hand when I meet a colleague. More often than not I'll just give a simple nod or verbally greet another person rather than put my hand out. I've also never learned when it's not necessary to offer a handshake. Intial meeting, yes. But how about saying farewell? Sometimes I offer a handshake when saying goodbye and the other person doesn't appear to be expecting it, leaving my hand out there hanging. Awkward! Did I just commit a social faux pas or was I just being too formal when a simple "see you later" would have sufficed? Also is one supposed to shake hands with women? Or are we expected to give the phony pecks on the cheeks like I see so many Westerners do? That's another rule that my dad never clarified as I've never seen him peck anybody's cheeks, ever.

These social norms seem to come so easily for Westerners. They greet each other with firm pumps of their hands, almost without thought. They start talking about work, sports, girls, or whatever without the slightest effort to continue a conversation. Then they seem to know just the right way to say goodbye, either with a handshake or a quick "goodbye" or an "I'll call you later". All this is done with the greatest of ease. In the meantime I struggle to set just the right tone without sounding forced.

Why don't Asians offer handshakes or in general have any sort of physical contact when meeting friends and colleagues? Just pure speculation on my part, but probably through centuries of experience we've learned that people really aren't that clean. You don't know what the person was doing with his hands recently. He may have just gone to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. He may have been picking spinach from his teeth with his fingers. He may have some sort of contagious skin condition that would get transmitted to me if I touched him. The person may have lice in his hair which could jump to me if I had to stand close to him by necessity to give a handshake. There are all sorts of reasons for not touching another person who is not your intimate. But living in the U.S. requires that we Asians get past these social barriers and accept a handshake or a slap on the back as an acceptable form of salutation. I just hope that person has Purelled his hand before he offers it to me.

Chinese People And Food Allergies

I recently read a story in the newspaper about the tragic death of a little girl in Virginia because of her peanut allergy. The seven year old was given a peanut by a friend at school. She immediately went into cardiac arrest and was unable to be revived by the paramedics. Some reports state that about four percent of Americans, or over 12 million people, have severe anaphylactic reactions to specific foods. I've seen people who are allergic to nearly every food group known. The most common ones I've seen are peanuts and shellfish. But I've also known people who are allergic to milk, eggs, strawberries, watermelons, wheat, nuts, tomatoes, chocolates, and many other kinds of foods. Our school has very strict policies on what kinds of food can be brought for lunch. While peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were common snacks at school when I was growing up, it is strictly forbidden in our children's schools. Organizing birthday parties can be a minefield as parents bring lists of foods their children aren't allowed to eat. Cake? Does it have eggs? Is it gluten free? Ice cream? Can you have frozen yogurt instead? Cookies? Gluten free and chocolate free please.

Why are so many Americans allergic to foods? By contrast, why do so few Chinese people I know have food allergies, or allergies in general? I'm not talking about lactose intolerance, which is fairly common with Asians and doesn't cause anaphylaxis but instead produces abdominal cramps and gas in the affected. Most Chinese people can and will eat almost anything. Many foods are cooked in peanut oil. Peanuts are a favorite snack any time of day. I can't imagine a Chinese family who could get by without consuming eggs. Wheat products are ubiquitous, in everything from dim sum to Chinese bao. One time, my brother came back from school and announced to my mom that he was allergic to MSG. She summarily dismissed him by saying that was crazy talk. He'd been eating MSG all his life and it is ridiculous that he is now allergic to the quintissential Chinese seasoning. He never mentioned it again and she never cut back on her use of the substance.

I always wondered if Americans suffer so many food allergies because we have so many foods to choose from. I can't imagine some poor rural Chinese or African who are just on the verge of malnutrition turning down bread or peanuts because they have anaphyactic reactions to them. Are food allergies mainly a disease of the wealthy, like obesity and coronary artery disease? Since most Chinese in the U.S. are first or one and half generation, we are not yet affected as much by food allergies. But I've noticed that some second generation Chinese children are now afflicted with this condition. Will Chinese restaurants in the future have to offer wheat free and gluten free shau mai? Will all those seafood restaurants in the San Gabriel Valley have to stock up on EpiPens because their customers are having more allergies to shrimp and crab? Only time will tell.

Sitting At The Children's Table

When you're a Chinese-American with little Chinese literacy, social gatherings among Chinese people can be awkward. My wife recently held a party for members of her Chinese church. Not suprisingly nearly all the gathered spoke Mandarin, with many of the elderly non English speaking. I didn't mind because these parties are usually quite pleasant and I get to try a large variety of dishes that the guests bring. Yummy. (Thanks to the guest who brought the spaghetti with spicy mala sauce. So delicious!)

Unfortunately because I was the only adult who can't speak Chinese, it was difficult to join a conversation. The guests who knew English would have to translate the conversation for me. Then I would rejoin with a witty remark which then had to be retranslated into Mandarin. Inconvenient to say the least. Therefore, as the only non Mandarin speaking adult, I was delegated to the children's table as the unofficial babysitter.

This arrangement did not embarrass me and was actually more practical once you think about it. All the kids spoke English. Therefore they couldn't try to sneak some forbidden English phrases into their talk and get away with it. It also made the adult side of the party more relaxed. The guests didn't have to feel like there's a stranger in the room and try to accommodate me by trying to have me understand the proceedings.

When the party ended, at least I knew enough Mandarin to properly bade farewell to our guests: Zai Jian!

The Chinese Line

The Chinese line

Here's news for Apple. There is no such thing as a Chinese line. Much to Apple's dismay and embarrassment, they had to stop sales of the iPhone 4S today in China's Apple stores because of a near riot at one of their Beijing stores. The new for China iPhone was supposed to go on sale yesterday starting at a rumored 7:00 AM. Well, the crowd grew to enormous proportions while waiting for the opening. As you can see from the picture, there doesn't seem to be any signs of orderly line formation or crowd control. When the store failed to open and the phone was declared not ready for sale, the mob grew unruly and threw eggs at their pristine windows.

This episode highlights two truths about Chinese people. One, they don't, or won't, wait in lines. At store openings, movie box offices, or elevators, the Chinese think nothing of pushing and elbowing their way to the front. If one person starts moving forward, the whole group surges forward too, not wanting to miss out on whatever the first person is after. The second truth about Chinese people are that they LOVE status symbols. The proof is all the fake Western goods they sell in their markets. Fake Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren, and yes iPhones adorn every market. Even their government officials are not immune from showing off. Witness all the fancy European cars their leaders are seen riding around in. Here in the U.S. in Chinese predominant areas like Monterey Park, you can spot scores of Mercedes and BMW's parked in front of rather small and shabby houses. Why? Because one can show off their nice rides around town but not everybody knows the conditions you actually live in.

Unless a Chinese person has learned Western, and particularly British, etiquette, standing in line just is not in their DNA. The Cantonese in Hong Kong know how to do it. The Cantonese on the mainland don't. So unless Apple wants to give lessons on how to be a good citizen, I'd advise them not to advertise when their phones go on the market. They should not expect to see happy friendly people waiting patiently at the front door.

Shame Of Being Monolingual

One of the burdens of being a Chinese-American is that everybody you meet expects you to speak Chinese. Relatives at family parties, friends of friends, total strangers all assume you speak an Asian language just by your face. My wife has to constantly remind acquaintances at parties that I don't speak Mandarin, which always leads to a quizzical look, an embarrassed laugh, and the inevitable question, "Why not?" There have been countless times where I've walked into a store or restaurant and the greeter starts speaking to me in a foreign tongue. The sense of inadequacy is much more acute when I go to Asia. When a Caucasian or other non-Asian goes to China, naturally nobody expects him to speak Chinese. But when I go there on vacation, the waiters and store clerks start conversing to me in their native tongue, which is not native to me. When I look at them blankly, they instantly assume I'm retarded or hard of hearing. When I try to pretend I understood what they just said and simply nod, the acute humiliation this entails for answering incorrectly just makes the situation worse.

Why don't I speak Chinese even though I'm Chinese-American? Why should I? I live in the United States of America. I'm definitely more American than Chinese. My parents moved here when I was just a toddler. They didn't speak Mandarin at home so I promptly forgot all the pre-K Mandarin I knew. Things weren't so bad while growing up in the Midwest as hardly anybody there were Asian. But once I went to college and then moved to the cosmopolitan Southern California, suddenly the inability to speak what by all appearances should be my second language became an embarrassing liability.

I attempted to relearn the language. I even took two years of Mandarin in college. However those lessons just didn't stick. I can now speak Jin tian hen hou, but anything more complicated than that leaves me stumped. Frankly, despite the dishonor to the race, I don't really understand why I should know the Chinese language. Sure it will come in handy someday when China dominates the world and we are all working for some Chinese mega-corporation, but in the meantime I am still living in a Western country. Isn't it kind of racist to expect all Asians to speak a native Asian language? After all, when I see a white person, I don't expect him to speak German or Italian or Irish. I would be shocked if I met an African-American and he knew Kenyan. So why should I feel such discomfiture for not being able to speak Mandarin?

In the meantime, we are determined not to allow our children to suffer the same embarrassment that I've lived through. We take them to Chinese school every week, which they hate. They take summer vacations in China every year, which they love. Now their mastery of Mandarin far surpasses mine. So now I also have to suffer the indignity of them talking about me behind my back to their mother while I'm standing in the same room because they know I don't understand a single word they're saying. Oh the shame.

Christmas With A Tiger Mom

When I was growing up, Christmas morning was a moment of pure joy and happiness. Nobody ever forgets the anticipation of waking up in the morning and finding piles of presents under the Christmas tree, waiting to be opened, okay shredded, and played with for the next few hours.

However, I am now an adult with a wife who never grew up with that tradition. In China, they don't allow the open practice of religion. And even when they did, it was usually Buddhism, not Christianity. Plus back then they were pretty poor so the idea of having Christmas presents was pretty alien.

That partly explains the conflict we had Christmas morning. The children got up earlier than usual, ready to tear into the stacks of presents. My wife, however, had other plans. She told our daughter that before she can open any presents, she first had to finish her Kumon homework from the night before. Of course if she can't open her presents, her little brother can't start opening his either. I intervened and told her that was ridiculous. This IS Christmas! How can she think about doing homework on this day.

She thought about it for a minute then relented. But before they could proceed, she wanted them to get dressed in their best clothes so that she can take videos of them while they unwrap the presents. The children looked at me glumly. They were ready to open presents NOW. Again, I told her that all these rules were taking the fun and spontaneity out of Christmas morning. Then without her consent, I told the kids Go and they tore through their presents. Needless to say this set up quite a row the rest of the day between me and my wife. That is what Christmas morning is like with a Tiger Mom.