Do White People Have Ugly Feet?

That's the only conclusion I can think of when I wonder why white people wear their shoes all the time. Are they ashamed of their feet? Why else would you wear your shoes inside the house after you've stepped through all the detritus that is the great outdoors?

I, and almost all Chinese, have learned to take our shoes off when we enter a house from practically the day we learned to walk. It is considered extremely impolite, and unclean, to wear shoes indoors. Once inside, most of us also take off our socks and just wear slippers under our feet. I always thought that it was a good idea to remove my socks at the earliest possible moment so I can air out my feet and prevent athlete's foot and other infections. I can't wait every afternoon to come home from work and strip my socks off so my feet can dry out and get rid of that clammy feeling between the toes.

Yet white people, who presumably prefer athletic persuits and outdoor activities don't follow the same etiquette. They wear their shoes until they are ready to hop into bed. Even if they do take their shoes off at the front foyer, they most likely leave their socks on, as if they're ashamed of anybody looking at their toes. Do they really prefer people to smell their dingy greying socks instead of look at their feet? Perhaps they're trying to keep the multibillion dollar indoor floor cleaning products business from bankruptcy? Would they rather spend hundreds of dollars on powerful Dyson cyclonic vacuum cleaners to clean up the dirty footprints on their carpets instead of wearing cheap clean indoor slippers?

Think of all the money that can be saved if people didn't wear their shoes all the time. There would be less need to buy Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters shoe inserts. Carpets won't have to be replaced nearly so often. And closets won't stink nearly as bad with all the moist and disgusting shoes and socks that are thrown into them at the end of the day. 

So please pass the word to your white and ABC friends. Please take your shoes and socks off when you get inside. It'll make your indoor environments more pleasant, improve the health of your feet, and save you money too. Who can argue with that?

Chink In The Facade Of American Tolerance

The recent uproar over ESPN's use of the term "chink in the armor" to describe Jeremy Lin didn't suprise me all that much. Sure it is derogatory to the Asian population. But I think most Americans don't realize how hurtful it is. By comparison, through education and shame, everybody knows that using the N word to describe African Americans has been permanently banned from public usage. I too had a relatively recent run in with a Caucasian using the term "chink" to describe an Asian feature and this didn't bother him in the slightest.

I was a medical resident working in the labor and delivery ward at a local hospital. I was in a delivery room shortly after the birth of a baby from an Asian wife and Caucasian husband. There was much joy and celebration in the room at the new life that had just been brought into the world. One of the first things the husband asked the nurse, after the baby had been cleaned up and handed to him, was, "Does he have chinky eyes?" He could clearly see that I was an Asian standing in the room with him. The nurse, who was white, replied, "No, he doesn't look chinky at all."

I was too shocked to say anything. I was not prepared for this slap in the face while working in a professional setting. I hadn't heard anybody use such a crude term since high school. I felt like I should have stood up and corrected the people in the room but it seemed like an inappropriate time to give somebody a lecture on racial tolerance while they are celebrating the birth of a baby. I did mention the incident to my superiors, who were white. They too expressed dismay that something like that happened, especially with a nurse who has worked with them for years. But nothing came of it. No apology. No expressions of guilt or remorse. And that was that.

So while Americans in general are becoming more aware of the sensibilities of living in a multicultural society, ignorance and malevolent feelings are lurking just below the surface. Who knows what they are saying in the company of their own kind. While the N word, and now the C word, have been banned from public discourse, that doesn't mean they don't express those thoughts when they think nobody is paying attention.

Jeremy Lin, Inspiration for Chinese Parents Everywhere

The biggest news among the Chinese-American community this week is the incredible story of Jeremy Lin. If any of you readers have been hiding under a rock lately, Jeremy is the sensational new point guard playing for the New York Knicks. In his first three games starting last week, he has scored over twenty points per game and his team has won every game he's played in. Even when he is playing away from NYC the fans have all come out to support him.

Jeremy's story is even more amazing because he was cut by two other teams prior to landing at the Knicks. He was first picked up by the Golden State Warriors after graduating from Harvard (HARVARD!). He didn't get much playing time before he was let go and the Houston Rockets hired him. He spent even less time in Houston, just a few weeks, before he was transferred to New York. But thanks to some injuries to their starting players, Jeremy finally had a chance to show the world what he can do. YouTube is full of videos of the great plays he's made in the past week, inspiring the other Knicks players to up their games and leading to three straight victories.

The ability for Jeremy to succeed is even more special because it is occurring in the setting of team sports. Unlike Michael Chang, the Chinese-American who won the French Open in 1989, Jeremy has to be able to play with, and lead, other players who may have at first looked down on him, almost literally, as some Asian filler for the real players. He had to come out explosively to earn their respect. And earn it he has.

His background is so similar to mine. His father is Taiwanese who married a Chinese wife. I too am Taiwanese who married a Chinese. And it is our sincere hope that someday our children will be able to attend an Ivy League college and compete in any endeavor they wish, not just the stereotypical Chinese pursuits like violin or computer engineering. Just to be able to point to our kids that Chinese-Americans aren't all just nerds who can only excel at math and sciences but that we can compete with any American at the highest levels of professional sports practically brings tears to my eyes. I still remember all the times in junior high and high school when I was always the last one chosen to play on a team. It wasn't hard to think that being Asian was a main reason for being rejected as a teammate. Hopefully Asian children won't have to face this humiliation much longer. Here's hoping Jeremy can continue to play once the Knick's regular starters return.

What Rhymes With Bucket?

My preschooler son is busy learning new words. In my eyes he has an astonishing capacity to acquire new information. One game we like to play is finding words that rhyme. This is a very quick and efficient method for him to expand his vocabulary. Some words are easy and have lots of rhyming words. I'll ask him what rhymes with "car". He'll then go down the alphabet and gives me all the words that sound like car like bar, far, jar, mar, star, tar, etc.. If a word doesn't sound familiar he'll ask what it means. Most of the time I'll tell him there is no such word as "yar" but sometimes he'll learn a new word with this process.

The other day my wife and I were reading a story to him and came across the word "bucket". Out of habit I asked him what rhymes with bucket. He then proceeded down the alphabet: cucket, ducket... fucket. I gasped a little bit and looked at my wife. She looked back and quickly shook her head. Don't make a big fuss about it was her silent reply.

Children take a gleeful delight in doing things that upset their parents. When we tell our son not to jump on the sofa, he of course will find every opportunity to jump on the sofa. If we ask him not to bother his sister while she's doing her homework, he'll become inseparable from her workspace. So if we ask him not to say the word fucket, he would wind up repeating the word often enough to get expelled from his preschool. So now I've learned my lesson. No more word games with words that rhyme with bucket, or buck, or hit, or ham. Complicated, raising children is.

Noodlevore

My daughter is learning all about animals in her elementary school. She's reading about the differences between mammals, reptiles, amphibians, insects, etc.  She's also learning the difference between carnivores and herbivores. We play a little game to help her understand the different classifications. I'd give her an animal and she tells me the diet of the animal. Lion? Carnivore. Elephant? Herbivore. Rhinoceros? Herbivore. When I asked her which one she is, she thought for a minute and replied gleefully, "Noodlevore!"

I laughed out loud at that one. Then I thought for a minute and realized she is pretty much on the mark. As Chinese, we eat noodles all the time. We eat it at any time of day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, noodles are good at all hours. Like the scene in Forrest Gump where his friend Bubba lists off the ways to cook shrimp, noodles can be prepared in every imaginable way. You can have it hot or cold. It can be boiled, steamed, stewed, chilled, deep fried, or stir fried. You can have a choice of vegetarian preparation or meat lovers. It can be an appetizer, an entree, and even a dessert. Spicy, salty, sweet, tangy, or bitter, noodles can be enjoyed in every which way. They like it as noodle soup, stir fried noodles, cold boiled noodles, spaghetti with meatballs, or macaroni and cheese. It's all good. They enjoy eating noodles by far over rice.

Contrary to what many Westerners believe, noodles and pasta were invented in China, not Italy. The Chinese have had thousands of years to learn to make noodle based dishes. Walk down any street in Asia and there is bound to be a little noodle stand set up on the sidewalk surrounded by hungry customers slurping down bowls of piping hot noodles. It is ubiquitous.

When my wife is not up to preparing breakfast for the children, the easy way out is to boil some water and drop in a couple of packets of instant ramen noodles. It is never refused by the kids, unlike oatmeal or cold cereal. If even that is too much work, she'll boil small handfuls of Asian angel hair pasta or udon, cool them with a quick rinse of cold water, and pour some ponzu sauce on it. The kids will eat that too though I find it rather bland and one dimensional.

If we're out at a restaurant, whether Western or Asian, there is bound to be pasta on the menu. While they may turn their nose up at salads or stir fried eggplants, a couple of orders of spaghetti or noodle soup will keep the peace at the table.

Do I worry that they are becoming too much of a noodlevore? I've read all the health concerns about eating too much refined wheat products. This could potentially lead to obesity and diabetes in the future. Perhaps but for now I'm just glad there is something they will consistently eat without us parents tearing our hair out trying to figure out what will satisfy them. Besides, if the Chinese have been eating it for thousands of years and there are almost one and half billion of us it can't be that bad.

Racial Networking. Racist Or Natural?

I've seen this time and time again but it never fails to astonish me and fill me with twinges of envy. Two white people meet at work. They may have never seen each other before and are only just learning each other's names. They give a hearty handshake to each other. Then they start talking the talk white people do with each other: sports, work grievences, politics, Mad Men... Before you know it, usually within thirty minutes, they are exchanging business cards and contact numbers for how to get into the local country club or the new hip restaurant downtown.

Why don't these kinds of conversations ever happen with me? How come I don't ever get the secret cell phone number of the sous chef at that restaurant that has a three month waiting list for a table? I've been here at work as long as anybody else yet I rarely get these networking advantages that white people so easily come across. Is this another form of discrimination or does networking only work with people of one's own race?

I try not to blame my Caucasian colleagues for this seeming slight. After all, I too find it much easier to talk to Asian, and specifically Chinese, counterparts than to people of other races. Before you know it, I'm inviting them to my house for dinner or trading tips on the best place to buy Asian pears. I admit that I have never given the same to a non Asian. Networking outside the race is difficult. I truly believe that if it wasn't for federal laws, people would naturally segregate themselves into their own ethnic groups. Look at the different neighborhoods in your town. Since the civil rights battles of the 1960's, there are no more laws barring one race from living next door to another. Yet people still prefer to live close to their own kind: Chinese in coastal urbal cities, Hispanics in the Southwest, Blacks, in the Southeast, and Whites in Vermont.

Does this lack of cross cultural networking hurt minorities. In a word, yes. This is something that will be very difficult for state and federal laws to correct without the use of workplace quotas. To promote minorities just because there aren't enough of them in managerial jobs only promotes resentment and worsens racism. Since relationships are so important for advancements in a job, this gives whites a natural advantage at work since most of their bosses are white. The bosses feel more comfortable conversing with their white juniors, making it easier for them to promote them into higher positions. In the meantime other races are left to stay mired in lower ranking jobs with their concommitant lower pay. It's not a glass ceiling per se as much as a relationship ceiling. It takes acts of extraordinary achievements or leaps of faith for minorities to advance to higher positions.

Can these barriers be overcome? Yes, and I've seen colleagues of every race do it. But one has to become extremely westernized, in other words white, to do it. For second and third generation Asians this becomes much easier. They can discuss the latest grilling tips for hot dogs and burgers as well as any white man. They can regurgitate all the greatest lines from Napoleon Dynamite as well as any college slacker. In other words, these Asians have become white. That's when their white bosses can see past their physical appearances and accept them into the coveted board rooms of America. It may never happen to me, but perhaps in another two to three generations, it won't be so difficult for an Asian to be handed the secret number to reserve the VIP suite at the Viper Room.

Don't Touch Me. I'm Asian.

Americans, and Westerners in general, love to touch each other, even if they're total strangers. There are the pats on the backs, or the rumps if you're an athlete, the rubbing of the shoulders, the frau frau pecks on the cheeks if you're trying to act European, or the ubiquitous handshake. You never see Asians doing any of that touchy feely thing. Asian acknowledge each other with a simple bow or nod of the head. There is never any physical contact, especially if it's from different ranks in the social hierarchy.

Even though I'm a 1 1/2 generation immigrant and have lived in the U.S. most of my life, I have never gotten used to the handshake as a social greeting. It just never comes naturally to me. While most boys learn the social ettiquette of manhood from their fathers, my father was never that westernized. He was not a handshaker. When I graduated from high school and college, I never received a handshake from him or any other member of the family. It's not that they weren't proud of my achievements. Asians just don't do that kind of thing.

To this day at work, I have to consciously remind myself to extend my hand when I meet a colleague. More often than not I'll just give a simple nod or verbally greet another person rather than put my hand out. I've also never learned when it's not necessary to offer a handshake. Intial meeting, yes. But how about saying farewell? Sometimes I offer a handshake when saying goodbye and the other person doesn't appear to be expecting it, leaving my hand out there hanging. Awkward! Did I just commit a social faux pas or was I just being too formal when a simple "see you later" would have sufficed? Also is one supposed to shake hands with women? Or are we expected to give the phony pecks on the cheeks like I see so many Westerners do? That's another rule that my dad never clarified as I've never seen him peck anybody's cheeks, ever.

These social norms seem to come so easily for Westerners. They greet each other with firm pumps of their hands, almost without thought. They start talking about work, sports, girls, or whatever without the slightest effort to continue a conversation. Then they seem to know just the right way to say goodbye, either with a handshake or a quick "goodbye" or an "I'll call you later". All this is done with the greatest of ease. In the meantime I struggle to set just the right tone without sounding forced.

Why don't Asians offer handshakes or in general have any sort of physical contact when meeting friends and colleagues? Just pure speculation on my part, but probably through centuries of experience we've learned that people really aren't that clean. You don't know what the person was doing with his hands recently. He may have just gone to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. He may have been picking spinach from his teeth with his fingers. He may have some sort of contagious skin condition that would get transmitted to me if I touched him. The person may have lice in his hair which could jump to me if I had to stand close to him by necessity to give a handshake. There are all sorts of reasons for not touching another person who is not your intimate. But living in the U.S. requires that we Asians get past these social barriers and accept a handshake or a slap on the back as an acceptable form of salutation. I just hope that person has Purelled his hand before he offers it to me.